I’m a mom and a writer. Not a mom who writes as a hobby, and not a writer who happens to have a kid. I’ve met people who can’t seem to understand it, but these two identities can (and do) coexist. In fact, I can’t imagine one without the other.
When people ask me, “What do you do?” I usually answer, “I’m a writer, and I’m also home with my son.”
The writer piece alone can feel like a minefield. Those of us without a runaway bestseller make awkward small talk.
Would I recognize anything you’ve written?
Well, probably not, I’m still seeking representation for my novel.
Oh, okay. Well that’s cool that you wrote a book…
But the second half of that statement — “And I’m also home with my son” — is even stickier. Before my son went to school every day, I was home with him. I still am, from his 2:00 p.m. school pickup onward. Because I never sent him to daycare, some people think I’m more of a stay-at-home mom with a hobby than a professional writer.
Full-time mom+
Shortly after my son was born, I ran into an acquaintance I’d met through my previous job. After a line or two of hi-how-are-ya small talk, she asked, “So, are you just staying home with the baby?”
“Well,” I said, “I’m also a writer.”
She lowered her chin slightly. “So you’re just staying home with the baby.” A statement this time, not a question. A correction, even.
Did she feel a need to restate because she felt confused? Because she didn’t realize work-at-home moms were a thing and wanted to ask if I’d gotten another job like the one I’d had? Or because she felt like she needed to push back against my assertion that I could (or should) be a full-time mom and something else?
Yeah, I’ve compromised. But I’ve also achieved some cool stuff.
I may not have become our family’s breadwinner over the past five years, but I didn’t put my writing goals on hold, either. I finished a novel, founded a kick-ass critique group, and built a solid readership for my blog. I just celebrated the release of the first ADHD Homestead book, and sales are off to a great start. And yes, I did all of this while managing everyday upkeep of our home, sewing new drapes for the living room, wiping butts, and doing whatever else needed doing.
Of course, I could’ve sought traditional freelance work and made a lot more money. I chose to build my own empire instead, by doubling down on my fiction writing and The ADHD Homestead.
Someday soon, that empire will be more visible, more quantifiable, and yes, more lucrative. And I won’t forget how hard I worked to wedge it in between my responsibilities to my family. My writing was never a hobby. My role as a full-time mom was in no way secondary. That these two identities can coexist doesn’t weaken them in the least. In fact, it makes me value each of them more.
The path to the writing life
My blue-collar upbringing pretty much ensured I’d never quit my job to write all day. We could’ve survived on one income years before having a kid, but the idea of choosing not to work went against everything I understood about the world. Ironically, my son gave me the excuse I needed to follow my dreams. Children place so many constraints on their parents’ lives, but mine also gave me the freedom to blaze my own path.
Lets not forget that J.K. Rowling wrote the first Harry Potter book as a single mom on welfare. She used a manual typewriter to do it. It probably seemed impractical — maybe even crazy — to spend so much time writing a book when she had no guarantee it would see the light of day. But imagine where we’d be if she hadn’t.
So, no, I’m not just staying home with my child. I’m staying home with my child and also working hard to achieve my dreams.
Leave a Reply